Should I tell my Spouse I Cheated? Advice from an Expert

If you are currently cheating on your spouse or have cheated in the past, you may be wondering should I tell my spouse I cheated?

This is a very difficult question because sharing this type of information could have a significant impact or cause relationship issues.

Does this mean your marriage is going to end in a divorce if you confess? Not necessarily.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of “The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity.”  “Many people will say that working through the affair made the marriage stronger than before.”

When asked should I tell my spouse I cheated? Dr. Haltzman explains that in most cases you should tell your significant other you are cheating or have cheated.

This is due to the fact that relationships and marriages are supposed to be built on trust and being openly honesty.  Infidelity on the other hand is the exact opposite of this type behavior (secrets and lies).

Choosing to tell the truth is a step in the right direction in order to honor your marriage vows.

In most cases by the time you are ready to confess, your spouse has already gotten some type of indication that something is just not right anyway.

You should strongly consider telling your spouse you cheated because it will free them from constantly wondering what is going on and why you are acting so strange.

It will also give you an opportunity to remove a ton of the guilt that you may be feeling from keeping this a secret.  How would you feel if your spouse was cheating on you and did not have the heart to tell you?

Are there any circumstances to where I would not tell my spouse I cheated?

When Dr. Haltzman was asked this question, his answer may surprise you.

Paraphrasing his response, he explains if the affair occurred a long time ago ( ie 10 + years) and you have done the work to understand why you cheated and have not cheated again then it is possible your marriage will not benefit from telling the truth.

Now for me personally, I would still like to know if my spouse had cheated on me no matter how much time had passed, but I understand where Dr. Haltzman is coming from.

If I decide to tell my spouse I cheated, what’s the best way to do It?

There is no easy way to tell your spouse you cheated or are currently cheating.  If you have decided you are going confess then you need to be direct with them and do not leave out anything.

This is your opportunity to come clean.  Holding back some of the truth will only come back to haunt you in the future.  At this point you are not protecting your spouse by leaving out the details.

The fact of the matter is your spouse is going to be hurt no matter how the message is delivered.

Where is the best place to tell my spouse I cheated?

It is important to note that revealing this type of information in a public place is not the best idea.

It is likely your spouse will be angry and experience a range of emotions.  It is not fair to your spouse if they have to control their emotions because you are in a public place.

Therefore it is best to tell your spouse you cheated at home.

Revealing this information a public place could lead to one of you being arrested if emotions get out of control.

You must be ready for any type of emotion your spouse displays (not condoning violence) once you reveal the truth. Remember, you are the one in the wrong here.

Allow your partner release their hurt and anger.

Is there anything I should not do?

It is critical not to try and downplay the fact that you were cheating by comparing it to any of your spouse’s previous wrong doings (“When you cheated on me I did not get this mad” or “It was only a kiss.” )

It is important that you do not make excuses and be sure to respect your spouses feelings whether you feel they are justified or not.

This is just the start of healing process and you have a long way to go to prove to your spouse that you can be trusted.

During this time it is your responsibility to listen and be there for your spouse.

Be apologetic, give them your sympathy and most importantly learn from you mistake.

If they decide they need time away from you, be accommodating.

It is your job to take the necessary steps to win them back, but just know this will not be easy.

If all else fails, you could always find an online dating guide and get back out there into the dating world.

 

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Lenny

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